Humor LESS

Sex Quiz

1. A clitoris is a type of flower.
2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
3. "Spread-eagle" is an extinct bird.
≠ is a medical term to describe heart trouble.
5.A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels.
6.A g-string is part of a violin.
7.Semen is another word for "sailors."
8.Anus is the Latin word for "yearly."
9.Testicles are found on an octopus.
10.Asphalt describes rectal troubles.
11.KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas.
12.Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
13.Coitus is a musical instrument.
14.Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke."
15.An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
16.A condom is an apartment complex.
17.An orgasm is the person who accompanies the choir in church.
18.A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
19.A dildo is a variety of sweet pickles.
20.An erection is when Japanese vote for their new government officials.
21.A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
22.Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass.
23.Pornography is the business of making record albums.
24.Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.
25.Douche is the Italian word for "twelve."
26.An enema is someone who is not your friend.
27.Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese.
28.Scrotum is a small planet near Uranus.
29.A vulva is an automobile from Sweden.
30.A Fallopian Tube is a part of a television set.
31.Fellatio refers to an Italian dagger.
32.Cunnilingus refers to someone who can speak foreign languages.
33.Phallus was a city on the Nile.
34.VD is an American holiday celebrated on November 11.
35.Herpes was a Greek god.
36.A homosexual is a technician who purifies milk.
37.The ben-wa ball is held every year in Tokyo on June 1.   

I’m going to have a puppy

3 ladies are in an obstetrician's waiting room. The first lady says, "i'm going to have a girl, because I was on the bottom when we did it." The second lady says, "I'm going to have a boy, because I was on the top when we did it." The third lady says, "Fuck. I guess I'm gonna have a puppy."

This is petty much my husband...

A 60-year-old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40-year-old daughter playing with a vibrator."What are you doing?" asked the mother. "Mom, I am 40 years old. Look at me, I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband."The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head. The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom. Upon entering the room, he found his daughter using the vibrator. "What on earth are you doing?" he asked. "His daughter replied, "I already told mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."The father walked out of the room shaking his head. The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching the football game on TV."What in the world are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!"

107 reasons beer is better than...

A Beer is better than a woman because....

1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. HANGOVERS go away.
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer ALWAYS goes down easy.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. A beer doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a beer in public.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.
28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. Beer looks the same in the morning.
33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. Beer doesn't get cramps.
37. Beer doesn't have a mother.
38. Beer doesn't have morals.
39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
40. Beer always listens and never argues.
41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. Beer doesn't demand legality.
45. Beer is never overweight.
46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
49. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
53. Beer never changes its mind.
54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. Beer never asks you to change the station.
56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
59. Beer is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
61. Beer doesn't pout or play games.
62. Beer NEVER says no. 63. Beer is easy to get into.
64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.
66. Beer doesn't wear a bra.
67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70. Beer doesn't live with its mother.
71. Beer doesn't blow you off.
72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
74. Beer doesn't mind football season.
75. A beer won't make you go to church.
76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
79. A beer doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute".
81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson".
83. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on your favorite radiostation.
84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a beer, it won't think you're talking aboutan enormous can of vegetable juice.
87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A beer won't smoke in your car.
89. A beer won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a warzone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A beer will actually *support* belching and farting and share your enthusiasm for getting themincluded as demonstration sports in the 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta.
92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
93. A beer never fishes for compliments.
94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95. Beer tastes *good*.
96. If you take a beer outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the beer won't accuse youof "date rape".
97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on yourVCR.
98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store.
100. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse "just for the articles". (You *are* lying, but the beer won't accuse you of it.)
101. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't make you ill.

If I could swim....

A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, "Its idiots like you that give blondes a bad name and if I could swim I'd come over there and kick your ass!"

I’m actually a taxi driver....

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Bring in the Camel!

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

Give me a week for the $500...

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle.Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition."Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

No Use knocking....

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies, No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either.

What are the pigs doing dear?

A farmer wants to get his two female pigs pregnant but he can't afford the stud service so he goes to the Vet.Farmer- " Hey doc I've got these two pigs I want to breed but I can't afford to stud 'em, is there anything cheaper?" Vet- " Well there's artificial insemination - Blah Blah Blah " He goes on to describe some pretty expensive procedures all of which are out of the farmer's price range. Farmer- " No none of that stuff will do, Its too expensive, anything else?" Vet- " Well, not many people know this but human DNA is close enough to pig DNA to produce offspring. Here's what you do - take your pigs out at night, load them in your pick-up, take them out to the fields and have sex with them. No one will know what you're up to and you'll get them pregnant." Farmer- " How will I know they're pregnant?" Vet- " If they're pregnant, they'll be lying in the shade the next day." So the farmer follows the advice and that night he struggles to put the pigs in the truck, drives out, porks them, and drives back later that night. The next day the pigs are just standing around. So the next night he does it all over again only he porks each one twice and drives back even more tired. Next day - nothing , they're just walking around. So he goes out again, porks them three times each and comes back in more worn out than ever. This goes on for the rest of the week and by Saturday the farmer is too tired to get out of bed so he asks his wife to get up and look outside at the pigs. Farmer- " What are the pigs doing dear?" Wife- " I don't know, one of them is jumping up and down in the back of the truck and the other is blowing the horn."

an optimist, the other a pessimist.

A father had twin sons. One son was an optimist, the other a pessimist. On the twins' birthday, while the boys were at school, the father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked. "Because my friends will be jealous, and I'll have to read the instructions, and I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will get broken," answered the pessimist. Passing the optimist's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" asked the father. To which the optimist replied, "There's got to be pony in here somewhere!"

Drink it!

A gunman walks into a sperm bank and demands that the secretary open the safe."But this is a sperm bank". She says. "I dont care, open it".The gunman says. She does. "Now take out a cup". He says. So she does." Now drink it".He says. She drinks it. He takes off his mask, and it's her husband.And he says"There, that's not so bad is it?".

If she doesn't like the slippers, she can

A guy got his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for Christmas one year. He was talking to his friend and said, " If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!!"

I had no idea your father was a pharmassit

A guy is at work and his girlfriend calls him. "Tonight's the night," she says. "But before we have sex, I want you to have dinner with me and my parents. And before you come over, stop and pick up some condoms." The guy stops by the drug store on the way to her parents' house. While he's looking at the condom assortment, the pharmassist comes over. "Can I help you," he says. "Well, my girlfriend says tonight's the night. And I don't know how to choose a condom." "Well," says the pharmassist, "these are lubricated, these are textured and these are regular." "Give me one of each," says the kid. That night at dinner with her parents, the girlfriend asks her boyfriend to say grace. The boyfriend bows his head and silently prays and prays and prays. Finally, the girlfriend says, "Wow, I had no idea you were so religous." The boyfriend replies, "I had no idea your father was a pharmassit."

It’s pronounced “quiche” not...

"I want a quickie.A guy walked into this bar where all the waitresses were real babes; all wearing really short dresses and tight tops. When it came time to order his meal, one of the gorgeous waitresses came over and asked him what he would like. He replied, "I want a quickie." The waitress was so shocked that she stormed off so to recompose herself. She went back and again asked him what he would like. He replied again, "Iwant a quickie." She was so outraged, she slapped him hard across the face and stormed away. The guy in the table next to him overheard the whole thing. He leaned towards the man and said, "It's pronounced 'Quiche', not 'quickie'."

Superman your an ass..when drunk

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the bar and notices a guy across the room downing shot after shot of whiskey. After about 6 shots the man gets up, goes to the window, opens it and jumps out.The man at the bar, shocked, runs to the window and looks down. Right before the man is going to hit the ground a gust of wind picks him up and sets him gently on the ground. The man sits back down at the bar, amazed. Then the guy that had jumped out the window comes in and downs a few more shots, goes to the window, and jumps out. Again, right before he hits the ground a gust of wind picks him up and sets him gently on the ground.A minute later he's back up in the bar. The man sitting at the bar asks him how he did that. He said," There's a lot of wind down there and it always sets you down with no harm done." "What the hell, I'm a daring guy anyway." So the man gets up, goes to the window, jumps out and falls straight to his death. The other man starts busting up laughing. Then bartender then says to him," You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

Can I smell your pussy?

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!" "Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

Land mines!

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"

Sex Pill...not to that restaurant anyway

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she's back at the doctor. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Naah... ", she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to that Restaurant anyway."

Bet your balls are square

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!"and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets?What kind of bets?"The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

I refuse to swallow the seaman

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

You have been eating grass...

A man and a women started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.After 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Geez, I wish I had aflashlight."The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the last 10 minutes."

Your name never came up!

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?" She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

Information technology

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduced altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:“Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”The man below says, “You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”“You must work in Information Technology” says the balloonist. “I do replies the man, “How did you know?”“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”The man below say, “You must work in business.” “I do,” replies the balloonist, “but how do you know?” “Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

I can’t fit another roll up my ass!

A man is upset because he can't get an erection anymore. He goes to the doctor and the doctor says that he has something that might help but he doesn't know if the man wants to try it. The man asks,"Well, what is it?" The doctor tells him that it consists of putting the muscles of an elephants trunk in his penis. The man is all for it anything that will make him be able to get hard again. Around two weeks later he is out with his girlfriend and he is feeling kinda funny. He decides to undo his zipper since he is only going to be sitting at the table. All of a sudden his penis comes out of his pants, reaches across the table, grabs a roll, and disappears back under the table. His girlfriend is amazed by this. Do it again! Do it again! she screams. I would, the man says, but I don't think that I can fit another roll up my ass!

Imagine, 32 and still believes in...

A man walks into a public bathroom and begins using one of the urinals. He looks to his left and sees a very short man peeing also. Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man, and the taller man is completely embarassed about staring at the smaller man's penis. "Sorry," says the taller man. "I'm not gay or anything, but you have the longest penis I've ever seen, especially on a man so small!" "Well," says the Leprechan, "That's because I'm a Leprechan! ALL Leprechans have penises this size!" The taller man says, "Incredible! I'd give anything if mine were that long." "Well, what with me being a Leprechan and all, I can give you your wish! If you let me take you into that stall over there and screw you, I'll give you your wish!" "Gee," says the man, "I don't know about that----aw hell with it, OK!" Soon, the Leprechan is behind the taller man, just humping away. "Say," says the Leprechan, "How old are you, son?" Finding it difficult to turn with the Leprechan humping him so ferociously, the tall man says over his shoulder, "Uh-Uh, Thirty-two..." "Imaging that, " says the little man, "Thirty-two and still believes in Leprechans!"

You’ll wake-up mother!

A man was approached by coworker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The coworker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneek into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys." So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneeked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john. "How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

BAD DOG!

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?" After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend." "Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house." As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him, "What did you do?" "I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out." "That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your friend?" The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, 'BAD DOG!'

A close shave....

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but i would really love to see your handsome face." James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!" "Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice... "Oh really, I can't," he replies..."My wife loves this beard!!" The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"

My third husband was a stamp....

A middle-aged man and woman met, fell in love and got married. On their wedding night they settled into the bridal suite and the wife said to her new husband, "Please promise to be gentle. I'm still a virgin." "But how can that be?" the startled husband said. "You've been married three times before". "Well," she explained, "my first husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it, and my third husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was -- God, I miss him!"

Sister, I have a confession 2 make

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he's not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business. When they were done and he had resumed driving, the bus driver said, "Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's." The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party." ***********************

I thought he meant his money...

A small tourist hotel was all talking about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the bannister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!"

But I like the way you think

A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. Sherecited the following story: "There are three birds sitting on awire. A gunman shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"A boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully."No, no, no, Let's try again," the teacher says patiently.She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on awire. A gunman shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?""None," the boy says with authority. The teacher sighs. "tell me how you came up with that.""It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird, hescared the other two away.""Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like theway you think.""Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. Thereare three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle.Which one is married?" he asked innocently.The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red."C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one is licking the popsicle,one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?""Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who's sucking?""No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on.But I like the way you think.

Teach the frog to cook - your out

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices this pet shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog." "Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs." The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and pouring over cookbooks. "What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your sorry ass is out of here!"

Betty Crocker?

A woman was trying to do her laundry one day, when her washing machinesuddenly broke down. Distraught, she called her husband at the office and said, "Honey, can you please come home and fix the washing machine? It doesn't work." The angry husband replied, "What do I look like? The freakin’ Maytag man?" and hung up.The woman decided to go to the Laundromat to complete her washing. Shegot in the car, but when she turned the key in the ignition, it wouldn't start. She again called her husband at work and said, "Honey, I tried to go to the Laundromat with the car, but it wouldn't start. Can you come home and take a look at it?" Again, the angry husband snaps, "What do I look like? Freakin’ Mr. Goodwrench?" and hung up. She decided that the best thing to do is call the Maytag man. The Maytag man arrived and fixed the washing machine. She then asked him if he knows anything about fixing cars. He replied that he knows a little and goes outside and takes a look under the hood. Ten minutes later, he returned and said, "Your car is running fine now. The only thing wrong was your fuel filter was a little dirty." The lady said, "Wow, you're a pretty handy guy! How much will this all cost?" The Maytag man says, "I’ll tell ya what, lady. You can bake me a cake or have sex with me - your choice."Later that evening, the husband returned home from work. The lady explained to her husband that the Maytag man fixed the washing machine and the car. The husband asked how much all of this will cost. She replied that he wanted me to bake a cake for him or have sex. The husband then said "Well, what kind of cake did you bake for him?" The lady said, "What do I look like? Freakin’ Betty Crocker?"

I rang the doorbell didn’t I?

a women was working at a whore house when she heard the doorbell ring, she answered and no one was there, so she went back to what she was doing, heard it ring a secind time samething, so by now she was flustered on the third time of hearng it ran to the door and looked out no one, she happened to glance down when she saw a midget with no leg and no arms. he softly whispered "i want a whore" she was like excuse me. he said it again i want a whore. she replied well u have no legs and arms how are we to have sex. he then replied" i rang the doorbell didn't i?" hehe

His penis is like a baby

A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor. After she became conscious the guy asked: "I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?"The girl said: "You told me it was just like a baby". The guy replied: "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches".

Dude! Know who I’m sleeping with?

A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?" "Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on."Now would you put on my pants?" he asks."Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says."Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks."Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

I’m a chicken farmer....prostitute

accountant got her name, address, social security number, etc., and thenasked, "What is your occupation?"The woman replies, "I'm a whore."The accountant balked and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That'smuch too crass. Let's try to rephrase that.""Okay, I'm a prostitute.""No, that is still too crude. Try again."They both thought for a minute, then the woman stated, "I'm a chicken farmer."The accountant asked, "What does chicken farming have to do with being awhore or a prostitute?""Well, I raised over 2,000 cocks last year."

After we’re married will you....

After We're Married"Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love, "Will you still make love like that to me after we're married?" He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women."

$5.00 every time we had sex?

An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke." The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town." Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than me." So off they go into town. When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office building? We own that." Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just happens to be the richest part of town. Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own those." Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, "What makes you think we own all this property?" Wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what has become of it all. Not bad, eh?" Husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this good with money I'd have given you ALL my business."

And I suck my thumb!

And then there's the little boy who got up at midnight to go to the bathroom and passed his parents' bedroom. Noticing that the door was opened, he peeked in and saw his mother performing fellatio on his father. The boy walked away from the bedroom scratching his head and muttering, "And they sent me to the doctor for sucking my thumb!"

Jimmy brings his cat to school...eat your pussy!

AT SCHOOL ONE DAY THE TEACHER HEARD CAT NOISES COMING FROM THE CLASS,SO SHE DISCOVERED LITTLE JIMMY WITH A CAT UP HIS JUMPER,SHE SAID WHY HAVE YOU GOT YOUR CAT AT SCHOOL,LITTLE JIMMY STARTED CRYING AN EXPLAINED THAT HE WOKE THAT MORNING TO HEAR THE POSTMAN SAY TO HIS MUMMY "I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR PUSSY TODAY".

Ben & Jerry’s Israeli flavors

Ben and Jerry's Israeli FlavorsWailing WalnutMoishmallowMazel ToffeeLehitra OatsRashi RoadChazalnutOlive HashalomOy Ge-maltCherry BimCherry BumBubble G'moraMi Ka-mochaLemontashensSoda & GomorraManishta NutBalak BerryLubavicher ResberryAbba EbananaBernard MalamintCashew Le'PesachChuppapayaButter ShkotzO-lime HabahBerry Pr'i HagafenChoc-Eilat ChipOf course, all flavors come in a Cohn

The Camel

Camel JockeyingThe recruit had just arrived at a Foreign Legion post in the desert. He asked his corporal what the men did for recreation. The corporal smiled wisely and said, "You’ll see." The young man was puzzled. "Well, you’ve got more than a hundred men on this base and I don't see a single woman." "You’ll see," the corporal repeated. That afternoon, three hundred camels were herded in the corral. At a signal, the men seemed to go wild. They leaped into the corral and began to screw the camels. The recruit saw the corporal hurrying past him and grabbed his arm. I see what you mean, but I don't understand," he said. "There must be three hundred of those camels and only about a hundred of us. Why is everybody rushing? Can’t a man take his time?" "What?" exclaimed the corporal, startled. "And get stuck with an ugly one?"

Why Chocolate is better than sex

Chocolate is better than a woman.... 1. You can GET chocolate. 2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate. 3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 6. You can have chocolate in front of your grandma. 7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind. 8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nastynames. 9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. 10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours withoutupsetting your work mates. 11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. 13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it. 14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. 15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month. 16. Good chocolate is easy to find. 17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. 18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate. 19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. 20. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.

Choosing a wife

Choosing A WifeJim has three girlfriends, but he doesn't know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000.00 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells Jim, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because, Jim, I love you so much." The third one takes the $5,000.00 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000.00 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "Jim, I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." So Jim thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts

Yours was holding up the tree!

Christmas Trees Dreams Mrs. Bandlow says to her husband,....."I had the strangest dream last night. It was Christmas, and our tree was decorated with all kinds of penises. White ones, black ones, circumcised and uncircumcised, big and small. And on the top of the tree was the 'perfect' penis." Mr. Bandlow says, "I bet that one was mine." She says, "Sorry, honey, it wasn't." He says, "You know, it's weird, but I had almost the same dream. A Christmas tree decorated with pussies...shaven and unshaven, thin and thick lips, scented and unscented... and the one on the top was the 'perfect' pussy." She says, "I suppose that one on the top was mine?" He says, "Nope. Yours was holding up the tree!"

Monica...your replacement is here

Clinton In HellClinton dies and he goes to hell. Satan meets him there and says, "Bill we have to find a spot for you for all of eternity." So Satan takes Bill down a hall and they come to the first door and open it. Inside is Bill Gates being burned at the stake. "No," Bill balks, "I can't do that for all eternity." "Fair enough," replies Satan. Satan takes Bill down the hall to a second door. Inside is Rush Limbaugh being pulled apart on The Rack. "No," Bill again balks. "I can't do that for all of eternity, either." Satan takes Bill to the last door. Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him a blow job. Bill smiles. "Yes!" he shouts, "that's for me." Satan walks into the room and kicks Monica and shouts, "Get up Monica, and get out...... Your replacement's here

Cut Out Wednesday

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. "Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says. The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. "I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."

Dr. Suess

Directions To The Men's RoomTHE INTERROGATION as by Dr. Suess I'm here to ask As you'll soon see -- Did you grope Miss Lewinsky? Did you grope her In your house? Did you grope Beneath her blouse? I did not do that Here or there-- I did not do that Anywhere! I did not do that Near or far -- I did not do that Starr-You-Are. Did you smile? Did you flirt? Did you peek Beneath her skirt? And did you tell the girl to lie When called upon To testify? I do not like you Starr-You-Are -- I think that you Have gone too far. I will not answer Any more -- Perhaps I will go Start a war! The public's easy To distract -- When bombs are fallin in Iraq

Something to get her excited

"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?" "Look, I can't prescribe..." "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me." The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE." "I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?" "Um... okay." The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes -- he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near- whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I... need... a man..." His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."

Sam, Have you ever cheated on me?

Doing It For The Hubby?Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky "Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times." "Three, hmmm, well when were they?" he asked as his face turned red, but realizing he had pressured her. "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?" "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club .... And you were 17 votes short...."

Don’t fool with Mother Nature

Don't Mess With Mother Nature !!! There were these two guys out playing golf one day...and after teeing off, they both noticed that neither one of them was any where near the fairway. One guy hit it way left, the other way right. They decided that since their shots were so bad, they would just meet up at the green. So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. So he pulls out his 7 iron and started whacking away...buttercups flying everywhere....but the ball still would not come out. Well, finally Mother Nature had enough...and she got mad. She came up from the ground and said to the man, "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined....I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups...your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year". The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups. Mother Nature said, "Hey!...This is no laughing matter! What do you find so funny?" The man looked up with a smile on his face and said, "My buddy is over there on the other side in the Pussywillows.

Oh, I see

During the French revolution, hundreds of people were guillotined. One day, three men were led up to die. One was a lawyer, one was a doctor, and the third was an engineer.The lawyer was to die first. He was led to the guillotine, the attending priest blessed him, and he knelt with his head on the guillotine. The blade was released, but stopped halfway down its path. The priest, seeing an opportunity, quickly said, "Gentlemen, God has spoken and said this man is to be spared; we cannot kill him." The executioner agreed, and the lawyer was set free.The doctor was next. He was blessed by the priest, then knelt and placed his head down. The blade was released, and again stopped halfway down. Again the priest intervened: "Gentlemen, God has again spoken; we cannot kill this man." The executioner agreed and the doctor was set free. At last it was the engineer's turn. He was blessed by the priest, and knelt, but before he placed his head on the guillotine he looked up. Suddenly, he leapt to his feet and cried, "Oh, I see the problem!"________________________



Exchanging Pleasantries Over A Beer

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer." The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

Dad, is sex dirty and disgusting?

Father : "Only when it's done properly son."



Four guys were out on the golf course.

As one of them was teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to the highway, they saw a funeral precession go by.Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.At this point, one of the other three said, You know, thatwas the most touching thing I've ever seen. And the guy answers, Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It wasthe least I could do.

Two rings on his prick

From: big tits - This man wakes up in an alley and on his dick he has a red ring and a black ring. So the next day he goes to the docotor and says doctor I woke up with these rings around my dick. Please can ya help me by telling me what they are. the doc looks at them. He then takes a sample and goes in the back room. he returns an hour later and he says. Well the red ring is lipstick. the man smiles with a manly smile. But the black ring i am affraid is Chewing tobacco

What does Priest give for anal sex

From: j0e - a priest had to go serve a funeral but confession was at the same time.... so he found a janitor and said "Please go do confession" the janitor said he didnt know how. The priest said its easy just ask them the sin and look it up in the book and tell them what they have to do. So the first guy comes in and he said tell me your sins, the guy said I had anal sex.... the janitor couldnt find it in the book, so he ran out and found an altar boy and asked "What does the priest usually give for anal sex?" The boy said "3 Snickers, a coke, and not to tell my mom"

I need a bike, I need a bike....

From: LOW_DOG - A 6 year old dog is going to bed and she passes her big sisters room and sees her rubing her self saying " I NEED A MAN I NEED A MAN " the next night she sees the same thing on the 3rd night she sees a man with her sister. The little girl is now suprised so she gose to her room rubes her self all over and says " I NEED A BIKE I NEED A BIKE " (added on 11/29/98)



Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.

'"A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?""Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?""The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Prepare yourself to be a widow

Hillary Clinton goes to a fortuneteller who says to her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow, your husband will soon suffer a violent death!" Hillary takes a deep breath and replies: "Will I be acquitted?"

You got me pregnant! Who is this?

Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant! "There is no way!" she told the doctor. The doctor said that she was most definitely a month pregnant. Well, Hillary stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the white house. When the operator answered, she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. They rang the oval office and Bill answered. Hillary said: "Do you know what you did you rotten bastard? You got me pregnant!" The President remained silent. Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOUR ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!" Finally Bill answered... "Who is this?

What’s with all the clocks?

Hillary is waiting at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes up and says, "I know you were somebody down on Earth, but you are just like everyone else up here, so you will have to wait your turn. Hillary takes a seat and notices this wall covered with clocks. She also notices that every now and then, different clocks jump 15 minutes ahead of time. When St. Peter returns, Hillary says, "What's with all the clocks?" St. Peter replies, "Well, each clock represents a man back on Earth." Hillary asks, "Why is it that some of the clocks skip ahead 15 minutes?" "Every time a clock skips, that means that a man has committed adultery," answers St. Peter. "Which one is my husband's clock?" inquires Hillary. "God has that one in his office," answers St. Peter. "He uses it as a fan."

How Many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

How Many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, one to actually put in the light bulb, and two friends to brag about how he screwed it.


Cliterous like a melon

In the middle of an international gynaecology conference, an English and a French gynaecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated. French Gynaecologist : "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me, and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon." English Gynaecologist : "Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big, my good man, she couldn't have been able to walk if it was." French Gynaecologist : "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze flavour..."

Num, num, num.....

It's Robins first time at the gynecologist. She's up in the stirrups, and she's scared to death. The gynecologist says, "You're nervous, aren't you?" She says, "yes. It's my first time at the gynecologist." He says, "Would you like me to numb you down there?" She says, "yes please." He sticks his nose in her pussy and says, "Num, Num, Num, num, num........

Sleep with brad pitt...

Johnny comes home from school with a writing assignment to define and explain the difference between potential and reality. After getting nowhere on the assignment for two hours, he finally asks his father for help."Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up thoughtfully and then says, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister, Suzie, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what they said."The kid is puzzled, but he decides to follow his father's guidance. He goesdownstairs to the kitchen and asks his mother, "Mom, if Robert Redford gaveyou a million dollars to sleep with him, would you?" His mother looks around slyly and then with a little smile on her face says, "Yes, I would."Then he goes back upstairs to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if Brad Pitt gave you a million dollars to sleep with him, would you?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"The kid goes back to his room and father and says, "Dad, they both said 'Yes.'" The father sits back and says, "Now son, potentially, we are sitting on twomillion bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of prostitutes."

Do you sell extra long condoms?

Lady goes into a parmacy and asks “do you sell many of the extra long, extra think condoms?”Yes madam “how many woulnd you like?If it is o.k. I would just like to hang around and wait for awhile.



Letter to John Hinkley

Upon hearing the news that John Hinkley (the man who shot President Reagan) might soon re-gain his freedom, our current President decided to send Mr. Hinkley the following letter: ______________________Mr. John HinkleySt. Elizabeth HospitalWashington D.C.Dear John, I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness. Therefore, we want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident you will soon make a complete recovery, and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man. Best wishes, Bill ClintonPresidentUnited States of AmericaP.S. Just thought you might like to know, Ken Starr is fucking Jodie Foster.

What kind of time did you have?

Man picks up a blink date. takes her to the circus. Asks her what she wants to do.Get “weighed”.. does.... again... get weiged. Asks what kind of time she had when takes home - WOUSEY.

Call him unbelievable!

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips." Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!" "They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell. "Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves. "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!" "Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask. "They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell. "They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell. "Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison. Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him unbelievable!."

Come again miss?

Monica Lewinsky takes her dress into the local dry cleaner's shop and asks the man behind the counter to try and remove the nasty stain she had on it. The attendant, who is slightly deaf asks, "Come again miss?" "No it's mustard!" she replied quickly.

Where my husband put his hand

Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes home from work and leans against the freshly painted wall. The next day, she says to the painter, "You wanna see where my husband put his hand last night?" He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"

My Dad is bigger than your dad

My Dad is Bigger Than Your DadA little boy and a little girl were competing with each other. "My Dad is bigger than your Dad," one would say, then the other would reply, "Well, we have a bigger house than you do." The first would counter, "Our car is brand new," to which the other would say "Yeah, well we're going to Disney World this year." Eventually the boy dropped his pants and stated defiantly, "I got one of these and you don't!" Not missing a beat the girl dropped her pants as well and replied, "Well with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."

My Wife is going to kill me!

"My Wife's Going To Kill Me!"Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

1st thing out of an abuse shelter

NEXT Q: What's the first thing a women does when she gets out of an abuse shelter? A: The dishes, if she knows wha's good for her!

I’m a rectum stretcher!

ob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know, a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, BOY?" Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhh, over 55?" "93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!" "But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?" Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!" The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?" "I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob. "What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman. "I'm a rectum stretcher!" Of course the cop asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, " People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across." The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?" Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar detector and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

Santa Claus isn't real and the perfect man

On Christmas Eve,the perfect man and the perfect woman get married and make the perfect couple. Then while they're driving off to their honeymoon, their car crashes head on into Santa Claus and his sleigh. Who survives the crash? The perfect woman survives. Santa Claus isn't real and the perfect man doesn't exsist.

Close but no cigar

On Opray the other day Gennifer Flowers was asked if she had the same kind of relationship with the president as Ms. Lewinski? She replied, "well it was close, but no cigar."

Rang the doorbell, didn’t I?

Once there was a pretty little lady who was looking for a man to take care of her for the rest of her life. She put an ad in the paper that said: "Looking for a man who will never run away, never beat me, and is good in bed." Her phone rang constantly but she never found the right guy. Then one day the doorbell rang and there was a guy with no legs and no arms. She looked at his missing arms and legs and then siad, "Well I can see you will never beat me or run away, but what makes you think that you are good in bed?" "I rang the doorbell, didn't I!"

If your heart ... as your breast

one day a guy is in a hotel lobby and he wants to ask the worker at the front desk a question as he turns to do so he bumps into a ladie he tells the ladie mam' if your heart is as soft as your breast i know you'll for give. To which she replies “if your penis is as hard as you elbow im in room 436!

How much to extract wisdom teeth?

One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth."Eighty dollars," the dentist says."That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?""Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60.""That's still too expensive," the man says."Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20.""Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much.""Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10.""Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday !"

Toughest Whore in the Yukon

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender."We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the whore, "I just thought you might like to open those beers first."

Don't mess with....

One day, at the end of class, little Billy's teacher asked the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with a moral.The following day, the teacher asked for the first volunteer to telltheir story. Little Suzy raised her hand and said, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. One Sunday, we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm, too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."Again the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, Don't count your chickens before they hatch."Next up was little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war. Hisplane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but he managed to grab a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. He then landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 of them with his machine gun before he ran out of ammo. He then pulled out his machete and killed 20 more before the blade on his machete broke. He then killed the last ten with his bare hands."The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, sheasked what possible moral there could be to this story."Well," Billy replied, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Oh Jesus I'm coming I'm coming'

One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles lying dead with its legs up in the air. She asked, "Daddy Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier." The next day when Susie’s dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today." Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?" And Susie said, "Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming 'Oh Jesus I'm coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have been a gonner."

Can I borrow your dog?

One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse."My wife," the man replied."I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?""My dog bit her and she died."Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"To which the man replied, "Get in line."

Smell of peanuts...son-in-law!

PeanutOne evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut feel into his ear.He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital.As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful!! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?!" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!!"



Pope and “unt” crossword puzzle

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" Only one word leapt to mind. "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'.""Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

Nine Inch Penis

Q. What does a man with a 9 inch penis have for breakfast?A. Well, personally, I like eggs, bacon and orange juice. ------------------------------------------------------------------------

A hundred dollar bill

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide and drives a woman crazy? A. A Hundred dollar bill. ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is a man like a parking lot?

Q. Why is a man like a parking lot? A. All the good ones are taken and what’s left is too small or handicapped.

Farmer’s wife...in front of the chickens

Right In Front of The Chickens!A farmer's wife was at her solicitors getting advice about a divorce. "He makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones" "How do you mean?" "Well, Mr. Jones," says the farmer's wife, "this morning I was looking at the chickens when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!" "Chickens? Mrs. Smith. I didn't know you kept chickens?" "We don't, Mr. Jones, this was in the supermarket!"

Stand up and Pee...

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please.........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...well, good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "And what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

Checking for squirrels....Tarzan

TARZAN GETS SOME Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile. Finally overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?". Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."

Paid up

"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor. "You didn't do it, did you?" "I have to admit I did, though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"

Are you familiar with original sin?

The Army's Up The RoadIn the murkiness of a skid-row alley, a street-walker mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him. "You may be forgiven as a victim of circumstances." intoned the savior of souls. "Tell me, are you familiar with the original sin ?" "Maybe and maybe not." she shot back. "But if it's really original, it's gonna cost ya an extra fifty.



The Biggest Ones Are In Texas

There was this cowboy from Texas who decided to do a little traveling and when he got as far north as Kansas City, feeling pretty horny, he decided to stay a while. That evening he hailed a cab and asked the cabbie about houses of ill repute; so the cabbie took him to one that he knew well. After choosing a suitable looking gal they went upstairs and on the way the girl commented on how tall the man was. The cowboy said everything from Texas was big. After getting undressed and the girl had taken a good look she said I can see what you mean about everything from Texas being big. "Yes ma'am" said the cowboy, "I mean everything." After they had finished their business and were getting dressed the cowboy asked "By the way ma'am, what part of Texas are you from?"

Hour or pleasure...lifetime of shame

The dean of women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

Devils asks lawyer for his souls

The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,"So, what's the catch?"

Waves a stick and humps my leg

THE DOG CAN TALK A farmer was down on his luck having suffered a bad growing season, lack of crops and poor prices. To make ends meet he decided he'd have to sell his dog - a most intelligent animal. A few days after placing the ad, a man came to see this "intelligent" dog. When asked what the dog could do, the farmer pointed to a stand of trees nearby and informed the man there was a pond on the other side. He turned to the dog and commanded, "Hunt." Immediately the dog took off for the trees, came back a few moments later and barked twice. The farmer said, "He just told me there are two ducks down at the pond." "That's absurd." said the potential buyer. "Dogs can't count. He was probably just barking for the heck of it." Just then a duck flew overhead, descended just past the trees and apparently landed on the pond. "Now send him back and have him count!" said the man. The farmer again commanded "Hunt!" and off went the dog. He came back shortly and barked three times. The buyer finally believed the dog was smart and bought him on the spot. A few days later the man took his new dog out into the woods where he knew there was a pond nearby. He commanded the dog "Hunt!" and the dog took off toward the pond and came back a few minutes later with a stick in it's mouth. He came up to the man swinging the stick wildly around and began humping his leg. "Smart, my ass!" said the new owner and promptly shot the dog. When he got home he immediately called the farmer to complain. "Some dog you sold me! When I told him to 'hunt' he came back waving a stick and started humping my leg so I shot the queer critter." And the farmer replied, "You fucking idiot! He was trying to tell you there were more fucking ducks than you could shake a stick at!"

I told you....

The judge came home and found his wife in bed with his vey best friend. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?" "See," the wife said to the man beside her,"I told you he was stupid"

The man goes home and finds his wife in bed with his best friend who he says “Leo, I HAVE to... but you!

Would you like to see my clock?

The office managercalls his secretary in to his offic and says, "Would you like to see my clock?" His secretary looks confused and says, "What?" "C'mon," he says, "it's a yes or no question." "Okay?" says the secretary. The guy then yanks his pants down, exposing his peter. "That isn't a clock," says his secretary,"it's a cock." To which he replies,"Put a face and two hands on it and it's a clock."

Fuck him and give him a dollar...

There was a mailman who had been delivering to the same neigborhood for over 20 years. it was his last day so he decided to go door to door. he came to the first house and the family had made him cookies to say thanx for beeing such a wonderful mailman. he took them gladly and went on his way. he came to the second house and that family thanked him also with a cake. after that he came to the 3rd house the women answerd the door. she was wearing a robe she grabed him by the hand and took him upstairs and gave him the ride of his life. afterwards she made him breakfast as he sat down she handed him a dollar. he said whats this for. she said, last night my husband and i were deciding what to give you . my husband said "fuck him give him a dollar". the breakfast was my idea.

How do you drive your wife wild?

There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in a bar having a few drinks together. The Englishman says to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?" "Well," says the Frenchman, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over her body. Then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives her wild." Then the Frenchman says, "And what do you do to drive your wife wild?" To which the Englishman replies, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!" Then the pair turn to the Newfoundlander and ask him what he does. "Naawww you don't want to know what I do" he says. So they buy him a few more drinks and he loosens up a bit more, and again, they ask him what he does. "Well..," he says, "When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives her wild."

How much for the cow?

There was this farmer who had three lovely daughters. He wanted them to marry men who would do anything for them, so he came up with a test. One morning he took all 3 of his daughters out back to the barn. When they got there, there were 3 handsome young men waiting. The farmer walked up to the first man and said "If you fuck my cow back there you can choose any one of my daughters you like, to marry". The first man quickly replied.."No way man, there not even that pretty", he then left. The farmer walked up to the next man and offered him the same deal.."If you fuck my cow back there, you can choose anyone of my daughters you like, to marry". The second man replied"Well i dont know.....oh...Naaaaaa".and he too left. The farmer then walked up to the third and final man and offered him the same dealhe gave the other 2.."ok..If you fuck my cow back there, you can choose anyone of my daughters you like, to marry". The third man thought for a moment then answered.."Well I guess. Why not" So the man goes in the back and fucks the farmers cow. When he returns the farmer asks..."So which one of my daughters would you like?" The man answers with...."Screw your daughters how much for the cow!" ********

Something warm in our stomachs

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

For kicking the chicken no eggs...

There's this kid who lives on a farm. He comes home from school, in a really bad mood. He sees a pig and kicks it. Then he sees a chicken and kicks that. Then he walks into the house. "I saw you kick those animals", his mother said, "For kicking the pig, you'll have no bacon for a week. For kicking the chicken, you'll have no eggs for a week." The kid's about to say something, when his father walks in the door, also in a foul mood, and kicks the cat. The kid says to his mother, "You want to tell him, or should I?"

Fire up this big gas grill...1 weenie

This couple had been married for about five years. One fine summer day, as they were out working in the yard, the man told his wife, "Man, your butt is getting fat!"The wife got very ticked off and moved to another part of the yard. The guy followed her and said, "You know that big gas grill over there? I'll bet your butt is as big as that grill. It's huge!"The wife got really mad and told him, "You can finish the yard yourself!" and she went into the house. The husband found a yardstick, measured the grill, went inside the house and measured his wife and said, "Yup, they are both the same size!"The wife was livid and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day. When the man came to bed that night, he tried to cuddle up next to his wife andsaid, "Hey honey, how about it?"She thought for a moment and pulled away."What's wrong?" he asked.She answered, "You're crazy if you think I'm firing up this big gas grillfor one little weenie!"

If I owned a pussy...own the town

This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite. The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen TV. The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city. Thirty minutes later there's a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. "Now, down to business," he says. "How much for a hand job?" The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00" "What? That's outrageous." "Come over here," she says walking towards one of the windows. "See that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good." "All right, screw it, money is no object." A half hour after she's done the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?" "Honey, a blow job is $5000.00" "What? That's outrageous." "Come over here," she says walking towards another one of the windows. "See that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window? "I own that. I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good." "All right, what the hell, it's only money." The guy gives her $5000.00 An hour after she's done, the guy is laying on the couch, head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks, gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. "My god, that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know, how much for some pussy?" The hooker looks at him and says, "Honey, if I had a pussy I would own this whole city............"

The girls didn’t show up!

This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have 3 girls coming over tonight. I never had 3 girls at once, I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent." So the pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small black cardboard box marked with an "X" and says, "Here, if you eat this you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" The guy says "gimmee 3 boxes". Same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's organ is black & blue, the skin's hanging off in places. The man says, "Gimmee a bottle of Ben Gay." To which the pharmacist replies "Ben Gay? You're not going to put BEN GAY on that are you?" The guy says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up".

How long you been wearing earring?

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male coworker is wearing an earring. This man knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense". "Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings.""Oh, yeah, sure." says Bob sheepishly."Really? How long have you been wearing one?""Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Buy the Ballerina a drink!

This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Any girl that can life her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!"

Three ecologists....fruit up your ass

Three ecologists are exploring deep in the jungle searching for new plant life when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are taken back to the village to be tried by the chief. The chief stares at the white men and is about to give the usual "let's boil them alive" orders, when he gets an idea. "I shall let each of you go," he says, "if you can go out into the jungle and within one hour, come back with 10 identical pieces of fruit." The men are overjoyed when they hear this so off they run into the jungle to gather fruit. Half an hour later, one of them comes back with 10 peaches and proudly brings them to the chief. The chief looks at the fruit and tells him that he will let him go if he can shove all 10 pieces of fruit up his ass without changing his facial expression. He notices all the serious faces of the tribesmen so he starts to shove one up there, but with the peach halfway in he lets out an agonizing shriek of pain. The chief promptly gives the order to kill him. Ten minutes later the second guy comes back and sees his friend lying dead in the dirt. The tribesmen grab him and tell him to open his hands for the chief. In his hands he holds 10 identical berries. When the chief gives the same orders he is visibly relieved and quickly begins to shove the fruit up his rear end. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9..... ...then suddenly the guy busts out laughing! Not amused, the chief once again gives the order to kill the guy. Now the two dead guys are up in heaven discussing what had just happened. "You only had one more berry to shove up your ass, and you were home free! Why did you start laughing?" "I couldn't help it. I lost it when I saw Fred coming down the path with 10 pineapples!"

Oh, my! That’s a hard one!

THREE NUNS Three Nuns died in a car crash. They met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells the Nuns that they will each have to answer a skill testing question before they are admitted beyond The Gates. They all agree to this, feeling confident they have lived good lives. St. Peter to 1st Nun: "Who was the first Man on Earth?" 1st Nun: "Oh! That's an easy one. Adam." The Gates open up. St. Peter to 2nd Nun: "Who was the first Woman on Earth?" 2nd Nun: "Oh! That's an easy one. Eve." The Gates open up. St. Peter to 3rd Nun: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" 3rd Nun: "Oh, my! That's a hard one!! - Great said St. Peter - Your in!!!

My husband works for microsoft...

Three women were dressing after an aerobics workout and talking about their spouses. "My husband," said the first, "is a marriage counselor. He always buys me candy or flowers before we make love.""Mine is a jeweler," the second said. "he always brings me a pearl or two before we make love."The third woman paused.... "Well," she finally said, "my husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it." ------------------------------------------------------------------------



Three words to ruin a man's ego:"

Is it in?"

Take us to your leader...gas pump

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you mustn't anger him...!", but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But, how did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't screw with him!"

Prick Mr. Smith’s boil

-----Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!" Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!", said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

I've been so upset

Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds.""Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend."Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first."

Don’t your ears ever get cold?

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

What Causes Arthritis?

What Causes Arthritis?A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."



What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well hung!

Cross Ragedy Ann & Pillsbury Dough Boy?

What do you get when you cross Ragedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

What does women and jello have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them........

difference between a man and a fish?

What is the difference between a man and a fish? One is a bottom feeding scum sucker and the other is a fish.

Snow white...someone’s coming

What They Don't Show in Snow White and the Seven Dwarves One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs. Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window, it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing. After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc. Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc. Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line. Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower. Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" and from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."

Mayonnaise and sperm?

What's the difference between mayonnaise and sperm? Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girls throat at 30 miles per hour.

How long...resume...normal sex?

When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed. The doctor asked, "What's wrong?""Well, this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it bebefore I can resume my normal sex life?" she asked."Hmm..." stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively. "I hadn't really thought about it," replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."

Redneck humor....1

You might be a redneck if... *Please* support Jokes Online by visiting the Sponsor. Thank You.You might be a redneck if......you have ever used lard in bed....you have ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass....you consider a six-pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment....someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle....directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."...your dog and your wallet are both on a chain....you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle....Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people....you have a rag for a gas cap....you have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill....your brother-in-law is also your uncle....Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card....you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work....you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls....your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive....you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland....your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does....your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs....you call the boss "dude."...you think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy....you consider your license plate personalized because your father made it....you have ever been fired from a construction job because of yourappearance....you need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the House of Tattoos....your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack....you get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair....after making love you ask your date to roll down the window....anyone in your family has ever worn a tube top to a wedding....your family tree is a straight line....you own more cowboy boots than sneakers....you've ever worn a cowboy hat to church....you have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnny Cash over the fireplace....you still have an 8-track tape player in your car....you have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside....your idea of safe sex is a padded headboard....you think BMW are the call letters for a radio station....you own a belt buckle that weighs more than 3 pounds....you've ever been to a funeral where there were more pickup trucks than cars....your all-time favorite movie is Cannonball Run....you have any relatives named Elmer or Jed....you have a family reunion by watching America's Most Wanted.....they have to notify next of kin by visiting the state pen.

Your a redneck if...

You're probably a redneck if...1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.3. You've ever used lard in bed.4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.6. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.8. Fewer than half of your cars run.9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.12. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.13. Your family tree doesn't fork.14. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.17. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.18. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.19. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.20. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.21. You have refused to watch the Academy wards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.22. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.23. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.24. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.25. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.26. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.27. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".28. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.29. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.30. Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.31. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.32. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, S***head?"33. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.34. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.35. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're rednecks too!)36. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.37. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.38. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.39. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.40. You've been too drunk to fish.41. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.42. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.43. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).44. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'45. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.46. Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.47. You've ever financed a tattoo.48. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.49. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.50. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.51. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.52. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.53. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.54. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".55. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.56. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.57. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.58. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.59. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".60. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.61. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.62. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.63. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.64. You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...65. Redman sends you a Christmas card.66. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.67. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.68. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.69. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.70. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".71. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.72. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.73. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.74. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.75. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.76. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.77. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.78. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.79. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."80. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.81. You mow your lawn and find a car.82. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.83. You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.84. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.85. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.86. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.87. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".88. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.89. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.90. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.91. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".92. You've ever made change in the offering plate.93. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."94. You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...95. You own at least 20 baseball hats.96. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.97. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.98. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!99. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."100. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.101. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.102. You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!103. Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."104. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love.105. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.106. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)107. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.108. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.109. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.110. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.111. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.112. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.113. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.114. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.115. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.116. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.117. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places.'118. It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.119. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.120. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.121. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"122. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.123. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.124. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house.125. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen.126. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.127. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.128. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.129. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)130. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.131. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!132. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.133. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide.134. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.135. You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.136. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.137. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.138. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.139. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.140. You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".141. Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. (of course this is a very sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed...you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)142. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.143. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story.)145. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is one too if he pays you for it.)146. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.147. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.148. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!149. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.150. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.151. You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.152. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair. ------------------------

Blondes screaming

A group of blondes walk into a bar screaming 51 days, they order a round of drinks still creaming 51 days, the bartender wants to know what the 51 days is all about but just can't ask. A while later after many drinks the blonds are still screaming 51 days so the bartender decides he has to aks, as he delivers the next round to the ladies he says"ladies I have to know whats the 51 days about". the blonds replied "we had a puzzle and on the box it said 2-5 years and we did it in 51 days"

third husband

A man and a woman are standing at a cocktail party when the woman remarks,"You know, you look just like my third husband.""How many times have you been married?" asks the man."Twice," replies the lady.



What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Ghosts?


A visiting professor at the University of Alabama was giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start," he says. "Now, out of those of you who believe in ghosts, how many of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good," he replies. "I'm glad you all take this seriously." "Now has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hand. "That's a great response," he answers. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic!" he says. "But, let me ask you one further question . . . Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to saunter up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us son, what is it like to have sex with a ghost?" The student replies, "Ghost???" . . . . . "Hell, I thought you said goats."

12 inch penis

A man goes into the doctors office, and tells the doctor his problem. He tells him that he can't satisfy his wife because his penis is to small. The doctor tells him they have a new procedure, where they surgically enlarge the penis. The man says it sounds good. So the doctor opens the drawer and pulls out a 7 inch penis. The man says now that is a penis, but I would like something a little bigger. The doctor opens another drawer and pulls out a penis about 12 inches long. The man again tells the doctor he would like something a little bigger. So the doctor opens another drawer and pulls out a penis about 18 inches long. The man's jaw hits the floor and then he asks the doctor if they have it in white.


Question: What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck?

Answer: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

Indebted....

There's was a couple who have been married for two years and hadn’t had sex even once cause the husband thinks having sex will kill his wife and he really loves her a lot. One day the wife tells her problem to her friend. Her friend comes up with an idea. Next day while her husband is at work her friend calls him up and tells him that his wife died and to come rushing home. The guy goes home and upon finding his wife on the floor breaks down and starts crying. The lady friend then tells the husband, "You know, you can bring her back to life." The husband asks "How is that possible?" The lady friend replies, "You'll have to trust me on this one and do as I tell you. You'll have to fuck her right now. She's already dead so you cant do much harm to her anyway." The husband agrees and starts to fuck his wife on the floor. Sure enough, after the wife has had her satisfaction, she comes back to life. The guy is really ecstatic and tells the lady friend, "I am really thankful to you. I will be indebted to you for my whole life. I just wish I'd known about this before, I could have saved my mother too."



The Smarter Sex?

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Abortion bill

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approaching him. "What is it?" the President yells. "It's the abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks.President Clinton responds, "Just go ahead and pay it!"

And this month?

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000.""Gee, that's tough," he replied."Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000.""Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.""And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.""Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.""Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing!"

Why did you get married?

"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common." said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?""I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract' ... " was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."

And don't we look pretty!

A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor. While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The Following conversation ensued:Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something?Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed?Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented!Daughter: I don't have any FDS.Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment...Granddaughter: That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!

Could I see both of them?

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. " Hi, is Tony home?" " No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" " No, come in." They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. " Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Brewster

A chicken farmer's hen's would not lay eggs so he figured he would go to his neighbor who had plenty of roosters and see if he could buy one from him. Upon arrival, his neighbor explained that the only rooster he could part with was a nasty old rooster named Brewster!! but warned that Brewster would fuck anything that moved. The farmer, desperated for eggs decided to take Brewster home anyway. He stuck him in the hen house to see what would happen. The next mourning the farmer awoke to discover eggs everywhere. The hens were all hanging from the rafters,torn up and worn out. The farmer said "dahm Brewster, this is great, but if you don't slow down, you're gonna fuck yourself to death. He returned Brewster to the hen house that evening thinking the horny bastard had learned his lesson. The next morning he awoke to the same scenario, eggs everywhere and all the hen's near death, but Brewster was no where to be found. The farmer looked out the hen house window and noticed all of the horses, pigs and sheep huddled in the corner with their assholes worn out cowering in fear. He then saw several vulchers circling what appeared to be something dead out in the pasture. As the farmer approached he saw that it was Brewster, feet up in the air, deader than a doornail. The farmer sadly expressed to Brewster "Brewster I told you if you did'nt slow down you were going to fuck yourself to death. Just then Brewster opened one eye and said "Pssst. Get the fuck out of here "They're about to land!!

ED....123

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "this is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.... The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news.... So he is lying in bed with her and says '123', and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"

Residence

Arkansas Residency ApplicationSTATE OF ARKANSASResidency Application Name:

________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack

(Check appropriate box)Age: ___Sex: __ M __ F __N/AShoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Un-employedSpouse's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse:(_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) PetNumber of children living in household: ___Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)___ Total number of vehicles you own___ Number of vehicles that still crank___ Number of vehicles in front yard___ Number of vehicles in back yard___ Number of vehicles on cement blocksFirearms you own and where you keep them:____ truck____ bedroom____ bathroom____ kitchen____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_Do you have a gun rack?(_) Yes (_)if No; please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_) The National Enquirer(_) The Globe(_) TV Guide(_) Soap Opera Digest (_) Rifle and Shotgun___ Number of times you've seen a UFO___ Number of times you've seen Elvis___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly(_)Monthly(_)Not ApplicableColor of teeth: (_)Yellow(_)Brownish-Yellow(_)Brown(_)Black

Have we reached the ovaries?

From: Bad Ass - here were two sperms.the first sperm said to the other,"When are we going to reach the ovaries"? The second sperm said,The ovaries, we are not even pass the throat yet".

Saving it for marriage

There's this couple and they've been dating for quite some time. He wants her really bad, but she won't sleep with him because she's saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he's very hot and bothered, and he said, "Oh come on, just a feel." She said, "No, I'm saving myself for marriage." They went back and forth. He said, "Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel." She finally agreed, "Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage." So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, "Can't we please?" She of course states, "NO, I'm saving myself for marriage." He says, "Please, please?" and she says, "No, absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage." He says, "How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?" She says, "No way, I'm saving myself for marriage." He begs and pleads with her, "I promise, just the tip, no more, and we'll stop after that." She finally gives in, "Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all." He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in... he so hot and ready that he can't control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town... she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts, "OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT THE WHOLE WAY IN!" A little stunned, he says, "NO, absolutely not, a deals a deal!"

red ring

This man wakes up in an alley and on his dick he has a red ring and a black ring. So the next day he goes to the docotor and says doctor I woke up with these rings around my dick. Please can ya help me by telling me what they are. the doc looks at them. He then takes a sample and goes in the back room. he returns an hour later and he says. Well the red ring is lipstick. the man smiles with a manly smile. But the black ring i am affraid is Chewing tobacco

Are you neverous yet?

THE VIRGIN A virgin white girl gets married to a black guy and she's rather nervous about the wedding night as she's heard that black men are better endowed than white men. She explains this to her husband who tells her he knows how to get round the situation which is to show her his dick, bit by bit. The wife lies in bed and sees three inches of dick come round the door. "Are you nervous yet?" says her husband. "No, I"m OK" she replies. Another six inches of dick comes around the door and he says "Are you still OK?" "Yes" she replies. A further foot comes around the door and she says "I"m still not nervous". "OK," her husband replies, "I"m cuming up the stairs"



Cows - What do you call a bull that masturbates?

Beef Stroginoff.

Go along with it...

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"

I wish I could do that!

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls. One guy says to the other, " Man, I sure wish I could do that". The other guy says, " Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

Hold the club...

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis. "The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.

Tell him....

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs" ... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

A good candidate

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die". "First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood." "Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work." "Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores." "Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed." On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?" "You're going to die," she replied. A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die". "First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood." "Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work." "Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores." "Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed." On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?" "You're going to die," she replied.

Postman

-----Sam sees the postman once a week, and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

Mother and daughter

A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her. Mom: So.... now that you've started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men? Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me. Mom: How? Daughter: Oh, stuff.... Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it's important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters... Daughter: I don't know..... Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe me, I remember. Daughter: Really? Mom: Really... Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair?

Motorcycle dishes

Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle.He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?"His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my tube."Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle.As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes."When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months. They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops! her right there on the dining room table.Nobody says nothing.He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her.He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline. Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the fucking dishes."

I Need a Man

A 6 year old dog is going to bed and she passes her big sisters room and sees her rubing her self saying " I NEED A MAN I NEED A MAN " the next night she sees the same thing on the 3rd night she sees a man with her sister. The little girl is now suprised so she gose to her room rubes her self all over and says " I NEED A BIKE I NEED A BIKE " (added on 11/29/98)

Anal sex?

a priest had to go serve a funeral but confession was at the same time.... so he found a janitor and said "Please go do confession" the janitor said he didnt know how. The priest said its easy just ask them the sin and look it up in the book and tell them what they have to do. So the first guy comes in and he said tell me your sins, the guy said I had anal sex.... the janitor couldnt find it in the book, so he ran out and found an altar boy and asked "What does the priest usually give for anal sex?" The boy said "3 Snickers, a coke, and not to tell my mom"

That ain't the problem....

A lawyer from New York was transfered to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men. He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?" The cowboy replied, "See them thar'sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one." "That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer. After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed. After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief. The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class." "That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy. "That's the sheriff's gal you're with."

What are condoms?

There was a father and his little boy that went into a local drug store to pick up a prescription. While in the store the little boy was looking around and came upon a rather large display for condoms. The little boy looked at all the brightly colored packages and the different types and the different quantities. The little boy went to his father and asked "Daddy, what are these condoms?" The father, stuttered, and said "Well, they are for protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love." The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked "Then, why do these come in a package of three?" The father coyly answered "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday afternoon." "UH-HUH" said the little boy, "then why are these in packages of six?" The father smirked "Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday afternoon." "WOW" said the little boy in amazement. He then asked "Well, then why are these packaged a dozen at a time?" The father answered "Those, my son, are for married men. One for January, one for February..."

Does he do tricks

This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside. The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?" The guy says, "Yea, he licks pussy." So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all. the blond says, "Well? what's up?" The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

Ann Who?

Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior , and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing, your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-trunk boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal. Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love, we have no time to talk.A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should, he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it gain to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present. And don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.


Charitable Lawyer

Mr. Dobbs was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to make him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?"The lawyer replied, "Do you know that my mother is dying of a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her with three children?"The charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" _______...

Divorce

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -Billy Crystal

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!" -Delta Burke

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. -Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? -Jay Leno

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. -Tim Allen

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. -Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -Jay Leno

The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to Uzis. -Conan O'Brien

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. -Tim Allen

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor

The problem with the designated driver program, is that it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. -Jeff Foxworthy

Blind date

Rolls Royce"HOW was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate."Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.""Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?""He was the original owner."

Where will I ever

An old man on the beach said to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts!" "Get away from me, you crazy old man!" she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he said."Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $100!" he stated. "NO! Get away from me!" "$200" he offered. She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!" $500 if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute."She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "Oh my GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them. Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, "Oh my God, oh my God'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MYGOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get $500?"

The fishing trip

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be herhusband's best friend. They make love for hours, andafterwards, while they're just laying there, the phonerings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up thereceiver.Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing herside of the conversation...(She is speaking in a cheery voice)"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really?That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That soundsterrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who wasthat?""Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all aboutthe wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip withyou."

Someone stole my car

One night a drunk is walking down the sidewalk holding his car keys out in front of him. He ends up walking into a police officer.The officer says to the man, "Sir, are you ok?""Officer someone just stole my car!" replied the drunk."How do you know someone stole your car?" asked the officer.The man replies, "Well, the last time I saw it, it was at the end of my key!"The officer says, "Jesus Christ your drunk. I should arrest you for indecent exposure." He points at the man's crotch, "Your dick is hanging out of your pants!"The man looks down and says "Holy shit!""Now what?" asks the officer."Someone just stole my girlfriend!" replies the drunk.--

Where is the rake?

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What? "The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife isn' t sure and says, "What?" and the man repeats his gestures. The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast,then she points to her butt,and finally to her crotch. Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the friggin' hell was that? "She replies... "EYE- LEFT TIT - BEHIND -THE BUSH!" -

A wee-wee

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock." She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."

The certificate

Certificate for two hours of great sex....Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, 'I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped.' His buddy said, 'I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!'So the first fella did just that.The next day his buddy asked, 'Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?' 'She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling.... I'll see you in two hours!'




The Frog

This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside. The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?" The guy says, "Yea, he licks pussy." So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all. the blond says, "Well? what's up?" The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

$400 blow job

How you live on $800 a year.A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you for free!"The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife exclaims. "I'm coming with you.....I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

Turn on the headlights

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

coal miners

At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three very naked and very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked."Well, yes" said the gentleman. We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?""Oh" said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch.."

I ain't no electrician

A mother bought her little boy a new set of Leggos, but he was having trouble building something with them and complained to his mother. She told him to go down the street and watch the carpenters who were building a new house, and maybe he'd get a few ideas. So later in the day he came home and when his mother checked in on him, he'd built this elaborate building, and she was quite impressed. She ask if there was anything she could help him with and he replied "Yeah, could you move that top block over just a cunt hair?" She was shocked and ask "What did you say!". He replied "I said could you move that top block over just a cunt hair?"She immediately told him, "Young man, you go out and get a switch right now!"He replied, "Go get the Son of a bitch yourself, I ain't no electrician".

Clean up

There was a 40 year old man that walked into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacists for condoms. The pharmacist asked him what size he was and he replied he didn't know. So the pharmacists said she would check for him. She came over the counter, unzipped his pants and took a few tugs. She then picked up the intercom microphone and said, "Large condoms at the checkout counter please." He paid for them and left.Half an hour later, a 30 year old man walked into the pharmacy and he also asked the pharmacist for condoms. Again she asked, "What size are you?" He said he didn't know. She came over the counter and unzipped his pants and took a few tugs. "Medium size condoms at the checkout counter please," she said over the intercom. The condoms came and the 30year old man paid for them and left.Half an hour later, a 15 year old walks into the pharmacy and asks for condoms. The pharmacist asked the young lad if he knew what size he was. He said he didn't know, so she again came over the counter, unzipped his pants and took a few tugs."Clean up at the checkout please, clean up at the checkout counter please."

How many men


Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?A. One. Men will screw anything.

3 Coyboys

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire in the middle of the desert. After a rather large amount of Whiskey the competitive side of the cowboys got the best of them. They began telling stories of their strength and prowess. Each new story more unbelievable than the last. The first cowboy began, “Why just last week I was walking through this here desert and a rattle snake tried to bite me. So I grabbed it with my bare hands broke its bones and bit its head off.”The second cowboy answered, “That’s nothing. Just yesterday I was in my bull pen with my biggest bull and he got angry and attacked me, charging at full speed, but I wrestled him to the ground with my bare hands and broke his neck.”The third cowboy sat there quietly listening to the other two as he slowly stirred the campfire coals with his penis.

Bungee & a hooker

Q: What do bungee jumping and a hooker have in common?A: They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

The nun and bus driver

One day a nun and a bus driver were all alone on a bus. the nun says"I've been in a convent for 20 years and I've never been fucked." so the bus driver says I'll fuck you. The nun says only under 2 conditions. 1. you can't have a wife or kids. 2. I want you to butt fuck me so I can die a virgin. So the bus driver has his way with her. Afterword the bus driver says I have a confetion, I have a wife and 4 kids. the nun says that's okay I have a confetion to make too. My name is Vince and I'm on my way to a costume party.

3 sons

First guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."Second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out he got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, HE's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday.Third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well He got a break, they made him a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave his best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."Fourth guy comes back from the rest room. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son IS a major disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new House and $1 Million in stock for his birthday."


Husband looses interest in sex

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does.About a week later she's back at the doctor. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the table!"The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Naah... ", she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to that Restaurant anyway."

Golf game....

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says,"Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

So you're a priest

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

Ten Reasons Trick or Treat is better than sex

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and goat it again.8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.7) You don't have to compliment the person who givesyou some.6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because........ you are.5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.4) If you don't like what you get, you can always gonext door.3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.2) Less guilt the morning after.And the number ONE reason......1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

WA PP ATR

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men’s' room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the Ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The Buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP, and ATR".Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!"Still curious he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The Button marked "PP" yieldeda large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared , he cried out, "what happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"The nurse replied, "Yes you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover...... Your penis is under your pillow!"

To eat a possum

How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?3, one to eat the possum and two to watch for cars.

Piano Player

TODAY'S JOKE:A bar had a sign in the window advertising that they needed a Piano Player. A scroungy looking old retired Navy Musician, entered the bar and told the bartender he was interested in the job. The bartender wasn't too impressed with his looks, but figured, what the hell, and pointed the old sailor to the piano in the corner. The old musician sat down and started to play the most beautiful, melodious piece of music the people in the bar had ever heard. All talk stopped during the song, and when he stopped, they all applauded."Hey, man, you're good," said the barkeep. "What was that?""I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna do ya all night long.'""Interesting title," said the bartender. "Got another?"The old sailor broke into a foot stompin' honky-tonk piece that brought thebar patrons to their feet, clapping along until it was finished, at which time they again gave him a thunderous round of applause."You are great, man. Really great. What do you call that one?" asked the bartender."That's a little ditty I call 'I wanna spank yer bare butt, baby, till you scream and holler.'""He turned around on the bench and said, "If you'll excuse me, I need to use the head."While he was gone, the bartender decided to offer him the job, starting immediately. When the old musician returned a few moments later, the bartender said, "If you want the job, it's yours." He looked down and noticed the old sailor hadn't "quite" finished his trip to the restroom."By the way," he asked him, "Do you know your dick's hanging out for all the world to see?" "Know it? HELL I WROTE IT!!!"