During the French revolution, hundreds of people were guillotined. One day, three men were led up to die. One was a lawyer, one was a doctor, and the third was an engineer.
The lawyer was to die first. He was led to the guillotine, the attending priest blessed him, and he knelt with his head on the guillotine. The blade was released, but stopped halfway down its path. The priest, seeing an opportunity, quickly said, "Gentlemen, God has spoken and said this man is to be spared; we cannot kill him." The executioner agreed, and the lawyer was set free.
The doctor was next. He was blessed by the priest, then knelt and placed his head down. The blade was released, and again stopped halfway down. Again the priest intervened: "Gentlemen, God has again spoken; we cannot kill this man." The executioner agreed and the doctor was set free.
At last it was the engineer's turn. He was blessed by the priest, and knelt, but before he placed his head on the guillotine he looked up. Suddenly, he leapt to his feet and cried, "Oh, I see the problem!"
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
"My Wife's Going To Kill Me!"
"My Wife's Going To Kill Me!"
Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"
Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"
The Ad
Once there was a pretty little lady who was looking for a man to take care of her for the rest of her life. She put an ad in the paper that said: "Looking for a man who will never run away, never beat me, and is good in bed." Her phone rang constantly but she never found the right guy. Then one day the doorbell rang and there was a guy with no legs and no arms. She looked at his missing arms and legs and then siad, "Well I can see you will never beat me or run away, but what makes you think that you are good in bed?" "I rang the doorbell, didn't I!"
Dentist
One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday !"
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday !"
Uncle Ted
One day, at the end of class, little Billy's teacher asked the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with a moral.The following day, the teacher asked for the first volunteer to telltheir story. Little Suzy raised her hand and said, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. One Sunday, we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm, too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied,
Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war. Hisplane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but he managed to grab a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. He then landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 of them with his machine gun before he ran out of ammo. He then pulled out his machete and killed 20 more before the blade on his machete broke. He then killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, sheasked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Billy replied, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been
drinking."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm, too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied,
Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war. Hisplane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but he managed to grab a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. He then landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 of them with his machine gun before he ran out of ammo. He then pulled out his machete and killed 20 more before the blade on his machete broke. He then killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, sheasked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Billy replied, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been
drinking."
The Funeral
One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.
The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as
well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I
borrow your dog?"
To which the man replied, "Get in line."
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.
The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as
well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I
borrow your dog?"
To which the man replied, "Get in line."
Breakfast
Q. What does a man with a 9 inch penis have for breakfast?
A. Well, personally, I like eggs, bacon and orange juice.
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A. Well, personally, I like eggs, bacon and orange juice.
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Leftovers
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please.........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "And what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please.........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "And what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
Sex Education
The dean of women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said,
"Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said,
"Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
The Lawyer...
The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,
"So, what's the catch?"
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,
"So, what's the catch?"
The Postman
There was a mailman who had been delivering to the same neigborhood for over 20 years. it was his last day so he decided to go door to door. he came to the first house and the family had made him cookies to say thanx for beeing such a wonderful mailman. he took them gladly and went on his way. he came to the second house and that family thanked him also with a cake. after that he came to the 3rd house the women answerd the door. she was wearing a robe she grabed him by the hand and took him upstairs and gave him the ride of his life. afterwards she made him breakfast as he sat down she handed him a dollar. he said whats this for. she said, last night my husband and i were deciding what to give you . my husband said "fuck him give him a dollar". the breakfast was my idea.
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My earring....
This man is at work one day when he notices that his male coworker is
wearing an earring. This man knows his coworker to be a normally
conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion
sense".
"Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Oh, yeah, sure." says Bob sheepishly.
"Really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
wearing an earring. This man knows his coworker to be a normally
conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion
sense".
"Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Oh, yeah, sure." says Bob sheepishly.
"Really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
A Bad Month....
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing!"
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"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing!"
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A DEAL....
There's this couple and they've been dating for quite some time. He wants her really bad, but she won't sleep with him because she's saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he's very hot and bothered, and he said, "Oh come on, just a feel."
She said, "No, I'm saving myself for marriage."
They went back and forth. He said, "Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel."
She finally agreed, "Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage."
So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, "Can't we please?"
She of course states, "NO, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He says, "Please, please?" and she says, "No, absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He says, "How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?"
She says, "No way, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He begs and pleads with her, "I promise, just the tip, no more, and we'll stop after that."
She finally gives in, "Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all."
He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in... he so hot and ready that he can't control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town... she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts, "OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT THE WHOLE WAY IN!"
A little stunned, he says, "NO, absolutely not, a deals a deal!"
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She said, "No, I'm saving myself for marriage."
They went back and forth. He said, "Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel."
She finally agreed, "Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage."
So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, "Can't we please?"
She of course states, "NO, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He says, "Please, please?" and she says, "No, absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He says, "How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?"
She says, "No way, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He begs and pleads with her, "I promise, just the tip, no more, and we'll stop after that."
She finally gives in, "Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all."
He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in... he so hot and ready that he can't control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town... she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts, "OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT THE WHOLE WAY IN!"
A little stunned, he says, "NO, absolutely not, a deals a deal!"
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Drunk....
This man wakes up in an alley and on his dick he has a red ring and a black ring. So the next day he goes to the docotor and says doctor I woke up with these rings around my dick. Please can ya help me by telling me what they are. the doc looks at them. He then takes a sample and goes in the back room. he returns an hour later and he says. Well the red ring is lipstick. the man smiles with a manly smile. But the black ring i am affraid is Chewing tobacco.
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Escaped Convict...
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"
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As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"
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A Trip to the Zoo
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"
... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
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He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"
... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
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Mother - Daughter
A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.
Mom: So.... now that you've started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?
Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.
Mom: How?
Daughter: Oh, stuff....
Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it's important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...
Daughter: I don't know.....
Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe me, I remember.
Daughter: Really?
Mom: Really...
Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair?
Mom: So.... now that you've started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?
Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.
Mom: How?
Daughter: Oh, stuff....
Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it's important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...
Daughter: I don't know.....
Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe me, I remember.
Daughter: Really?
Mom: Really...
Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair?
Penance....
a priest had to go serve a funeral but confession was at the same time.... so he found a janitor and said "Please go do confession" the janitor said he didnt know how. The priest said its easy just ask them the sin and look it up in the book and tell them what they have to do. So the first guy comes in and he said tell me your sins, the guy said I had anal sex.... the janitor couldnt find it in the book, so he ran out and found an altar boy and asked "What does the priest usually give for anal sex?" The boy said "3 Snickers, a coke, and not to tell my mom"
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With Charity for....
Mr. Dobbs was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to make him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?"
The lawyer replied, "Do you know that my mother is dying of a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her with three children?"
The charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
==========
The lawyer replied, "Do you know that my mother is dying of a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her with three children?"
The charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
==========
A son tells his father that he can no longer care for him and he needs to be in the care of a nursing home. His father is outraged at the idea, and at first refuses to think about it. But after awhile the old man gave in. The first night the geezer was in the old folks home, he got a hard-on. In an instant a young blonde nurse, runs in the room, and proceeds to give the fart a wonderful blow-job. Jubilant over what just happened, he called his son and explained his new found fortune. "That's great dad", the son responded.
The next day the father decides to take a walk. He no longer gets to the corner of his bed, when he falls. In rushes a big burly orderly that picks him up, throws him across the bed, and proceeds to butt-fuck the old man. The old man goes nuts and calls his son. He tells his son about the crazed orderly, and his son responds, "Dad, think about what you got last night with the gorgeous little blonde, sometimes you just have to take the bad with the good" The father replies, "You don't understand kid, I only get a hard-on once a month, but I fall three times a day!"
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The next day the father decides to take a walk. He no longer gets to the corner of his bed, when he falls. In rushes a big burly orderly that picks him up, throws him across the bed, and proceeds to butt-fuck the old man. The old man goes nuts and calls his son. He tells his son about the crazed orderly, and his son responds, "Dad, think about what you got last night with the gorgeous little blonde, sometimes you just have to take the bad with the good" The father replies, "You don't understand kid, I only get a hard-on once a month, but I fall three times a day!"
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An old man on the beach said to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts!" "Get away from me, you crazy old man!" she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he said.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $100!" he stated. "NO! Get away from me!" "$200" he offered. She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!" $500 if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "Oh my GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them. Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, "Oh my God, oh my God'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MYGOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get $500?"
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"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $100!" he stated. "NO! Get away from me!" "$200" he offered. She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!" $500 if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "Oh my GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them. Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, "Oh my God, oh my God'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MYGOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get $500?"
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Certificate for two hours of great sex....
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, 'I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped.' His buddy said, 'I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!'
So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, 'Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?' 'She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling.... I'll see you in two hours!'
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Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, 'I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped.' His buddy said, 'I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!'
So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, 'Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?' 'She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling.... I'll see you in two hours!'
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This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside. The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?" The guy says, "Yea, he licks pussy." So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all. the blond says, "Well? what's up?" The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
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Having the Right Approach
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire in the middle of the desert. After a rather large amount of Whiskey the competitive side of the cowboys got the best of them. They began telling stories of their strength and prowess. Each new story more unbelievable than the last.
The first cowboy began, “Why just last week I was walking through this here desert and a rattle snake tried to bite me. So I grabbed it with my bare hands broke its bones and bit its head off.”
The second cowboy answered, “That’s nothing. Just yesterday I was in my bull pen with my biggest bull and he got angry and attacked me, charging at full speed, but I wrestled him to the ground with my bare hands and broke his neck.”
The third cowboy sat there quietly listening to the other two as he slowly stirred the campfire coals with his penis.
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The first cowboy began, “Why just last week I was walking through this here desert and a rattle snake tried to bite me. So I grabbed it with my bare hands broke its bones and bit its head off.”
The second cowboy answered, “That’s nothing. Just yesterday I was in my bull pen with my biggest bull and he got angry and attacked me, charging at full speed, but I wrestled him to the ground with my bare hands and broke his neck.”
The third cowboy sat there quietly listening to the other two as he slowly stirred the campfire coals with his penis.
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Creative solutions....
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times."
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Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times."
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A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is
on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the
end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,
"OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go
to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says,"Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit.
$3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
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on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the
end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,
"OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go
to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says,"Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit.
$3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
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A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
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The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
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Health Care Blue Cross vs. HMO
Two guys both have 9:00 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. So a nurse greets them and tells them she has to prep them for surgery and takes them to a private room.
She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table, which he does. She then takes his manhood in one hand, and begins to masturbate him.
"Whoa!" he says, "What's going on?"
She replies that it is all standard procedure, and that she has to ensure that he has no blockages.
The guy thinks, "How bad can it be?"
So he agrees and allows the nurse to finish her task.
Once done, the nurse tells him to go sit down, and repeats the instructions to the second guy. When he is up on the exam table, the nurse gets a big smile on her face, licks her lips, and begins to perform a blow job on him.
Upon seeing this, the first guy says, "Hey, what's this? I get jerked off, and he gets a blow job. That's not fair."
The nurse looks up at the first guy and says, "Sorry, buddy. That's the difference between Blue Cross and HMO!"
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Two guys both have 9:00 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. So a nurse greets them and tells them she has to prep them for surgery and takes them to a private room.
She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table, which he does. She then takes his manhood in one hand, and begins to masturbate him.
"Whoa!" he says, "What's going on?"
She replies that it is all standard procedure, and that she has to ensure that he has no blockages.
The guy thinks, "How bad can it be?"
So he agrees and allows the nurse to finish her task.
Once done, the nurse tells him to go sit down, and repeats the instructions to the second guy. When he is up on the exam table, the nurse gets a big smile on her face, licks her lips, and begins to perform a blow job on him.
Upon seeing this, the first guy says, "Hey, what's this? I get jerked off, and he gets a blow job. That's not fair."
The nurse looks up at the first guy and says, "Sorry, buddy. That's the difference between Blue Cross and HMO!"
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Subject: Getting in to Heaven
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the
new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need to know how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment."
"Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out on to the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.
"In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!"
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, "OK sir, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven."
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was James Carville. "Mr. Carville, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died. Carville said, "No problem."
"But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the finger tips on the balcony below mine." "But, all of
a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.
Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there, face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this same guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony.
It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Carville finishes his story, "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.
"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven." A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate.
The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."
"Clinton says," OK, picture this, I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."
(Personally we should hire a FEDERAL CONCUBINE to take care of this basic need. It would be better than a war.)
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It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the
new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need to know how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment."
"Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out on to the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.
"In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!"
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, "OK sir, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven."
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was James Carville. "Mr. Carville, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died. Carville said, "No problem."
"But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the finger tips on the balcony below mine." "But, all of
a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.
Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there, face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this same guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony.
It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Carville finishes his story, "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.
"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven." A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate.
The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."
"Clinton says," OK, picture this, I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."
(Personally we should hire a FEDERAL CONCUBINE to take care of this basic need. It would be better than a war.)
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A young man is walking down the street when he encounters an old man crying his heart out. The young man paused and told the old man that if the problem was money he was more than happy to give him a few dollars. The old man continued to sob and said no that was not the problem - he was a millionaire. Well, the young man said perhaps you need company. No, the old man said - he had two - 24 year old identical blonde beauty pagent winners as mistresses. Well, said the young man "What is your problem?" The old man sighed and said "I left my identification on the dresser this morning and I can't remember where I live...."
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Monday, March 20, 2006
The Prize
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy
bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off ..
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks,smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
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A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy
bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off ..
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks,smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
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A Visit to the Doctor
A man was feeling very sick and told his wife she should accompany him to their Doctor. At the Doctor's office he took the man into the examination offer while his wife waited outside. About an hour later the man called to the women to come into his office and sent her husband into the waiting room "You know," the Doctor said, "Your husband is a very sick man. I wanted to tell you that unless you follow these suggestions he will soon die an excruciating death." "What do I need to do?", she asked. The Doctor said "You need to follow his every instruction, fix him whatever he wants to eat, have sex as often as he wants - whenever he wants. Under no circumstances should you argue with him or get him upset."
The wife thanked the Doctor and went into the waiting room where her husband asked "What did the Doctor say?" The wife replied "Your going to die!"
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The wife thanked the Doctor and went into the waiting room where her husband asked "What did the Doctor say?" The wife replied "Your going to die!"
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