Tuesday, November 10, 2009

square balls

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of
> Canada one morning with a purse full of money... She wanted to open a
> savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank
> because, she said, she had a lot of money.
> After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right)
> an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
> The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
> She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president
> was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.
> The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
> The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
> The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles
> are
> Square.'
> The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible
> to win a bet like that.
> The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and
> said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
> 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles
> are not square.'
> 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money
> involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock
> tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the
> president of the Bank confidently.
> That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a
> long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them
> this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was
> positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and
> reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
> The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the
> president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made
> the day before that the president's testicles were square.
> The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the
> day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So
> that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
> The president was happy to oblige.
> The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the
> president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president.
> 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
> The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president
> noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked
> the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's
> probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the
> morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of
> Canada !'

Friday, June 12, 2009

One sunny day in January, 2009 an old man approached the White
House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a
park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I
would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer
president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and
said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with
President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr.
Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him and again just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke
to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet
with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the
man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been
here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr.
Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't
you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I
just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you
tomorrow, sir." :)

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Problem Solved

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"


Friday, June 30, 2006


 "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole
relationship." Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf
is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think
Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing
in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know
what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough
blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money
can buy."
Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little
things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay
good money for in later life."
Emo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns


Tuesday, June 06, 2006


At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive indusrty by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) for no reson whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.

2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windowsshut off the car resart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.

4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to resart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would also have to buy more seats.

6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.

7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light.

9) The air bag would ask ur freshly mangled body "are you sure" before going off.

10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back inuntill you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.

11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.

12) buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, dispite the fact that you niether need nor want them. Attempting to delet this otion would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.

13) every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.

14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to mantain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."


The man laid in his deathbed sweating profusely. His wife sat by his side and calmly held his hand.

He looked into eyes and said: "Sweetheart, I'm dying and I have to make a last confession. I have cheated on you numerous times. I had sex with all three of your sisters, your mother, your best friend, our neighbor and most of your cousins. I am truly sorry that I did these act."

His wife squeezed his hand and said" "I know dear....just relax and let the poison work."


Monday, April 03, 2006

Anything For $100

Anything For $100

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, for $100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly said, "Paint my house."


Wednesday, March 22, 2006

The Engineer

During the French revolution, hundreds of people were guillotined. One day, three men were led up to die. One was a lawyer, one was a doctor, and the third was an engineer.

The lawyer was to die first. He was led to the guillotine, the attending priest blessed him, and he knelt with his head on the guillotine. The blade was released, but stopped halfway down its path. The priest, seeing an opportunity, quickly said, "Gentlemen, God has spoken and said this man is to be spared; we cannot kill him." The executioner agreed, and the lawyer was set free.

The doctor was next. He was blessed by the priest, then knelt and placed his head down. The blade was released, and again stopped halfway down. Again the priest intervened: "Gentlemen, God has again spoken; we cannot kill this man." The executioner agreed and the doctor was set free.

At last it was the engineer's turn. He was blessed by the priest, and knelt, but before he placed his head on the guillotine he looked up. Suddenly, he leapt to his feet and cried, "Oh, I see the problem!"

"My Wife's Going To Kill Me!"

"My Wife's Going To Kill Me!"

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

The Ad

Once there was a pretty little lady who was looking for a man to take care of her for the rest of her life. She put an ad in the paper that said: "Looking for a man who will never run away, never beat me, and is good in bed." Her phone rang constantly but she never found the right guy. Then one day the doorbell rang and there was a guy with no legs and no arms. She looked at his missing arms and legs and then siad, "Well I can see you will never beat me or run away, but what makes you think that you are good in bed?" "I rang the doorbell, didn't I!"


One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday !"

Uncle Ted

One day, at the end of class, little Billy's teacher asked the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with a moral.The following day, the teacher asked for the first volunteer to telltheir story. Little Suzy raised her hand and said, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. One Sunday, we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm, too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

Again the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied,
Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war. Hisplane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but he managed to grab a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. He then landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 of them with his machine gun before he ran out of ammo. He then pulled out his machete and killed 20 more before the blade on his machete broke. He then killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, sheasked what possible moral there could be to this story.

"Well," Billy replied, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been

The Funeral

One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

"My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died."

Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.

The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as

Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I
borrow your dog?"

To which the man replied, "Get in line."


Q. What does a man with a 9 inch penis have for breakfast?

A. Well, personally, I like eggs, bacon and orange juice.


Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please.........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "And what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

Sex Education

The dean of women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said,

"Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

The Lawyer...

The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,

"So, what's the catch?"

The Postman

There was a mailman who had been delivering to the same neigborhood for over 20 years. it was his last day so he decided to go door to door. he came to the first house and the family had made him cookies to say thanx for beeing such a wonderful mailman. he took them gladly and went on his way. he came to the second house and that family thanked him also with a cake. after that he came to the 3rd house the women answerd the door. she was wearing a robe she grabed him by the hand and took him upstairs and gave him the ride of his life. afterwards she made him breakfast as he sat down she handed him a dollar. he said whats this for. she said, last night my husband and i were deciding what to give you . my husband said "fuck him give him a dollar". the breakfast was my idea.


My earring....

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male coworker is
wearing an earring. This man knows his coworker to be a normally
conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion

"Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Oh, yeah, sure." says Bob sheepishly.

"Really? How long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

A Bad Month....

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing!"


A DEAL....

There's this couple and they've been dating for quite some time. He wants her really bad, but she won't sleep with him because she's saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he's very hot and bothered, and he said, "Oh come on, just a feel."

She said, "No, I'm saving myself for marriage."

They went back and forth. He said, "Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel."

She finally agreed, "Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage."

So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, "Can't we please?"

She of course states, "NO, I'm saving myself for marriage."

He says, "Please, please?" and she says, "No, absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage."

He says, "How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?"

She says, "No way, I'm saving myself for marriage."

He begs and pleads with her, "I promise, just the tip, no more, and we'll stop after that."

She finally gives in, "Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all."

He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in... he so hot and ready that he can't control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town... she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts, "OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT THE WHOLE WAY IN!"

A little stunned, he says, "NO, absolutely not, a deals a deal!"



This man wakes up in an alley and on his dick he has a red ring and a black ring. So the next day he goes to the docotor and says doctor I woke up with these rings around my dick. Please can ya help me by telling me what they are. the doc looks at them. He then takes a sample and goes in the back room. he returns an hour later and he says. Well the red ring is lipstick. the man smiles with a manly smile. But the black ring i am affraid is Chewing tobacco.


Escaped Convict...

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"


A Trip to the Zoo

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.

He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"

... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."


Mother - Daughter

A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.

Mom: So.... now that you've started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?

Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.

Mom: How?

Daughter: Oh, stuff....

Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it's important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...

Daughter: I don't know.....

Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe me, I remember.

Daughter: Really?

Mom: Really...

Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair?


a priest had to go serve a funeral but confession was at the same time.... so he found a janitor and said "Please go do confession" the janitor said he didnt know how. The priest said its easy just ask them the sin and look it up in the book and tell them what they have to do. So the first guy comes in and he said tell me your sins, the guy said I had anal sex.... the janitor couldnt find it in the book, so he ran out and found an altar boy and asked "What does the priest usually give for anal sex?" The boy said "3 Snickers, a coke, and not to tell my mom"


With Charity for....

Mr. Dobbs was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to make him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?"

The lawyer replied, "Do you know that my mother is dying of a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her with three children?"

The charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

A son tells his father that he can no longer care for him and he needs to be in the care of a nursing home. His father is outraged at the idea, and at first refuses to think about it. But after awhile the old man gave in. The first night the geezer was in the old folks home, he got a hard-on. In an instant a young blonde nurse, runs in the room, and proceeds to give the fart a wonderful blow-job. Jubilant over what just happened, he called his son and explained his new found fortune. "That's great dad", the son responded.
The next day the father decides to take a walk. He no longer gets to the corner of his bed, when he falls. In rushes a big burly orderly that picks him up, throws him across the bed, and proceeds to butt-fuck the old man. The old man goes nuts and calls his son. He tells his son about the crazed orderly, and his son responds, "Dad, think about what you got last night with the gorgeous little blonde, sometimes you just have to take the bad with the good" The father replies, "You don't understand kid, I only get a hard-on once a month, but I fall three times a day!"

An old man on the beach said to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts!" "Get away from me, you crazy old man!" she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he said.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $100!" he stated. "NO! Get away from me!" "$200" he offered. She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!" $500 if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "Oh my GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them. Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, "Oh my God, oh my God'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MYGOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get $500?"

Certificate for two hours of great sex....

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, 'I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped.' His buddy said, 'I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!'

So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, 'Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?' 'She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling.... I'll see you in two hours!'

This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside. The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?" The guy says, "Yea, he licks pussy." So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all. the blond says, "Well? what's up?" The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

Having the Right Approach

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One. Men will screw anything.

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire in the middle of the desert. After a rather large amount of Whiskey the competitive side of the cowboys got the best of them. They began telling stories of their strength and prowess. Each new story more unbelievable than the last.

The first cowboy began, “Why just last week I was walking through this here desert and a rattle snake tried to bite me. So I grabbed it with my bare hands broke its bones and bit its head off.”

The second cowboy answered, “That’s nothing. Just yesterday I was in my bull pen with my biggest bull and he got angry and attacked me, charging at full speed, but I wrestled him to the ground with my bare hands and broke his neck.”

The third cowboy sat there quietly listening to the other two as he slowly stirred the campfire coals with his penis.

Creative solutions....

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times."

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is
on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the
end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,
"OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go
to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says,"Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit.
$3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

Health Care Blue Cross vs. HMO

Two guys both have 9:00 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. So a nurse greets them and tells them she has to prep them for surgery and takes them to a private room.

She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table, which he does. She then takes his manhood in one hand, and begins to masturbate him.
"Whoa!" he says, "What's going on?"

She replies that it is all standard procedure, and that she has to ensure that he has no blockages.

The guy thinks, "How bad can it be?"

So he agrees and allows the nurse to finish her task.

Once done, the nurse tells him to go sit down, and repeats the instructions to the second guy. When he is up on the exam table, the nurse gets a big smile on her face, licks her lips, and begins to perform a blow job on him.

Upon seeing this, the first guy says, "Hey, what's this? I get jerked off, and he gets a blow job. That's not fair."

The nurse looks up at the first guy and says, "Sorry, buddy. That's the difference between Blue Cross and HMO!"

Subject: Getting in to Heaven

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the
new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need to know how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment."

"Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out on to the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.

"In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!"

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, "OK sir, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven."

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was James Carville. "Mr. Carville, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died. Carville said, "No problem."

"But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the finger tips on the balcony below mine." "But, all of
a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.

Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there, face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this same guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony.

It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Carville finishes his story, "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.

"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven." A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate.

The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

"Clinton says," OK, picture this, I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."

(Personally we should hire a FEDERAL CONCUBINE to take care of this basic need. It would be better than a war.)

A young man is walking down the street when he encounters an old man crying his heart out. The young man paused and told the old man that if the problem was money he was more than happy to give him a few dollars. The old man continued to sob and said no that was not the problem - he was a millionaire. Well, the young man said perhaps you need company. No, the old man said - he had two - 24 year old identical blonde beauty pagent winners as mistresses. Well, said the young man "What is your problem?" The old man sighed and said "I left my identification on the dresser this morning and I can't remember where I live...."