"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole
relationship." Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf
is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think
Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing
in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know
what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough
blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money
can buy."
Steve Martin
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little
things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay
good money for in later life."
Emo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
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Friday, June 30, 2006
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
COMPUTER INDUSTRY PROGRESS...
At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive indusrty by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1) for no reson whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.
2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windowsshut off the car resart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.
4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to resart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would also have to buy more seats.
6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.
7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light.
9) The air bag would ask ur freshly mangled body "are you sure" before going off.
10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back inuntill you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.
11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.
12) buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, dispite the fact that you niether need nor want them. Attempting to delet this otion would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.
13) every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.
14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to mantain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."
In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1) for no reson whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.
2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windowsshut off the car resart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.
4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to resart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would also have to buy more seats.
6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.
7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light.
9) The air bag would ask ur freshly mangled body "are you sure" before going off.
10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back inuntill you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.
11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.
12) buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, dispite the fact that you niether need nor want them. Attempting to delet this otion would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.
13) every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.
14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to mantain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."
I'M SORRY DEAR....
The man laid in his deathbed sweating profusely. His wife sat by his side and calmly held his hand.
He looked into eyes and said: "Sweetheart, I'm dying and I have to make a last confession. I have cheated on you numerous times. I had sex with all three of your sisters, your mother, your best friend, our neighbor and most of your cousins. I am truly sorry that I did these act."
His wife squeezed his hand and said" "I know dear....just relax and let the poison work."
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He looked into eyes and said: "Sweetheart, I'm dying and I have to make a last confession. I have cheated on you numerous times. I had sex with all three of your sisters, your mother, your best friend, our neighbor and most of your cousins. I am truly sorry that I did these act."
His wife squeezed his hand and said" "I know dear....just relax and let the poison work."
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